Jordan Quotes — Part 1

Most Life With Jordan posts end in a classic one-liner from our protagonist. Here are a few Jordan quotes that don’t need a lead up.

On buying groceries:

“Do you want me to get beans from the high-maintenance hippy aisle that take four days to cook or do you want me to get real beans?”

On thwarting his effort to watch the entire Planet Earth series in one week:

“Why do you have to stand in the way of progress? It’s like asking why everyone is so bent on building the Great Wall? The Mongolians came once; they probably won’t come again.”

On why men put up with annoying women:

“Because they want to get laid. Women could be stabbing us during sex and that would be borderline acceptable.”

On putting a TV in the bedroom:

“It’s like keeping a prostitute in the basement when you have a bad marriage. Of course you’re going to use it.”

On cleansing:

“Maybe I’ll give up vowels for a while. I’ll be like ‘sktpw vb nm.’ And then I’ll be like, ‘ooh, I feel so good and clean not carrying around all those vowels.'”

On numbers:

“Word counts are like measurements to me. You could say she drank 4,000 milliliters and I would be like ‘whaaaat? Is she OK?’ Or that you wrote 200 words and I’d be like ‘Wow, that sounds like a number.'”

On hearing a noise at one of our house-sitting gigs on the first night:

Me: “You’re not protecting me.”
J: “Nope.”
Me: “What if there are homeless people living in this house? It’s been empty a while.”
J: “There are homeless people. You and me.”