Granny Panties

The first time he found them, he was doing laundry. Most men would simply toss them into a pile so that their wife could deal with them. Jordan, however, is not most men.

The truth is I didn’t think I owned granny panties until Jordan told me I did. Yes, they are full coverage, but in my defense they are cut low at the waist and high in the leg, so I never thought of them as granny panties. They are certainly not the high-waisted, cream-colored pair that my 98-grandmother pulled out of her dresser drawer and gave me for Christmas one year. I got rid of those. Still, when Jordan sees me sporting briefs, he says I’m wearing my “scuba suit” and asks if I’m going for a deep water dive.

For him, it’s not just the cut either; the color is almost more indicative of granny status. You see, he associates anything that resembles white or off-white as being granny-like, regardless of style. This includes but is not limited to pearl, taupe, mauve, cream, eggshell, ivory, beige, peach, light gray and baby blue. In his eyes, my blue thongs are more granny-esk than my black briefs. Combine the cut and color—beige briefs—and these are the epitome of old lady underwear.

Why am I telling you all this? Because with Jordan, it doesn’t end with the scuba joke. On more than one occasion I have walked into a room to see my “scuba suit” on display. His last task before leaving the country for several weeks was to dangle two pairs from the light fixtures in our kitchen, so they were the first things I saw when I came home from work that day. On another occasion he shimmied a pair up the 20-foot curtains in our loft so that it looked like our drapes were going for a swim.

He is, of course, looking for a laugh, but perhaps he also wants to show me what he sees. And none of his masterpieces have accomplished this better than his most recent display: